Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
You're such a TEAse.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.