Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
I came here looking for a little tail.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
That boy narrated his-story really well.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.