What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.