What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
"Sip, sip hooray."
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.