There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.