Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.