“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.