The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
I'm fondue you, it's true
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
"You had me at merlot."
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.