I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I want you. I knead you.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I can heartly wait to see you.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
We’re calling your number.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
I'm the life of the paddy.