“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I have the final sleigh.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.