What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
You’ve been working too yard.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Something’s goat to give.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.