There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!

I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.

A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!

Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.

The only thing tender today is my heart for you

What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.

What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.

What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."

I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.

Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.

“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud

I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.

Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.

I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.

Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.

"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox

What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.

My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.

What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!

What's your number?? Err I mean your name?

Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"

I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.

What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?

I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.

"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."

How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!

I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.

You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!

What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"

What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.

When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.

What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.

“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.

Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.

Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.