That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Take off all your cloves.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Seed between the lines.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
Do you believe in love at first flight?
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Bookworms take shelfies.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?