Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
I always have a souper time with you.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
Don't get tide down.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.