Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack