How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Let’s put our tulips together.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink