Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
What do crows read? Cawmics.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
"Some people have no guts."
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.