How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.

During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.

Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!

What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.

On a keyboard, nothing is under control.

What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!

I really like you. So does my wife.

What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.

Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.

Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.

Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.

Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.

It's ice to meet you.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.

How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!

Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar

How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!

Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull

Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?

Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.

Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.

Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.

My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.

I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.

Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.

Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.

What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.

Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.

Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.

Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.

Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.

What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.

What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.

What do you call a male witch?
Mitch

Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"