"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
That was thaw-some!
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.