Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Belize let me hold you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Tropic like it's hot.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.