A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
You seem a little mer-mad.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.