How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Will you accept this rosé?"
I’m soy
into you.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
I’ll be there in a pinch.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!