What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.