Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Are you a model?
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?