Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.