Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Snow thank you.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.