What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
The calm before the score
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.