I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.

Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.

“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown

I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.

What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.

You don't know jack-o-lantern

If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright

Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.

My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.

"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld

What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.

I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.

Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.

Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.

What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.

What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.

A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.

What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.

What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.

I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.

All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.

Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright

I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Are you a human? Just making sure.

“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”

- Conan O’Brien.

I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

Til death do us part and then some, dear.

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.

That would dampen spirits.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.

If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.

"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar

Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.

A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.