A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.

What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.

Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!

Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.

I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.

"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)

If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

Join us for plenty of play action.

What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!

The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"

Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.

How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.

What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.

A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!

What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!

Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.

I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.

“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous

What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”

What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty

What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.

What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.

Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.

Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.

What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.

How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?

Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?

Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.

What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.

The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!

Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!

Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.

I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.

Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?