The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Ice simply love it when it snows!
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
You’re unbeleafable.