It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Give me your number so I can make the call.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!