What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
You're a good egg.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
Nice life preservers.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!