A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
I love you berry much.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
Can I be one of the men in your box?
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
It takes one to snow one.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!