What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
“Monday should be optional.”
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”