I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Wow, you drive me Davi
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.