That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Something’s goat to give.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
"I wood never leaf you."
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
"There's no bunny like you."
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno