"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
"Dying to have fun."
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.