What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.