Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.