It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Take off all your cloves.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
It's always a first class trip with me.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Snow on and snow forth.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!