You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson