I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
I scored when I met you.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.