Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!