What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam