Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
You are so right. And I am so left.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Shell yeah.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.