How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart