“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
We’re in a-green-ment.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.