Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!