"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
"Say you'll be wine."
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?