What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.