What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.

Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.

“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”

- Percy French.

What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!

Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.

“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock

I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.

Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”

- Emo Phillips.

What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!

A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”

“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.

Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.

I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?

As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.

Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.

What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!

Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.

Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.

Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?

I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you

As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.

I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?

We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!

How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.

Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor

You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.

The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.

I'd drink your bathwater.

Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."

Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.

The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.

What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don’t know. It’s a mistery.

When does soil get rich?

When mother nature makes it rain.

How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.

What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”

How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.

What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.

What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.