Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
I bet you’re really flexible.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.