“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.