How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.