Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
As it snow happens.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I love you from my head tomato
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.