Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.