What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Biology - It grows on you.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
We’re in a-green-ment.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
You’re right up my alley.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.