Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
"My cat doesn't like you."
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Don't get tide down.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers