It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
This is snow laughing matter!
You're my purr-son.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
He threw three free throws.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
Aloha is a soft laugh.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
You sweep me off my feet!
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.