Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
You're such a TEAse.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.