I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
You’re my pot of gold.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Nice Ass-teroid.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!