What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray