What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.