We’re mint to be.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
The huddle is real
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.