Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
This foundation is rock salad.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
Having a ball
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.