Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
Shake your shamrocks.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Pugs and kisses.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)