Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
Case in punt
"Just looking on the sunny side."
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.