What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.