You really mermaid my day.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.