My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.