When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.

Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne

What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.

Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.

Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.

I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”

What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!

What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch

How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.

An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.

I goat this.

French people give me the crepes.

"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan

Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.

what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.

Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."

English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!

Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.

Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.

My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.

Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.

"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West

Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!

We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.

When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.

Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!

“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien

What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.

Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.

“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram

I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.

Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.

Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.

Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.

“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66

Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.

If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well

Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.