“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Water you doing?
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Variety is the ice of life.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.