What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”

How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.

Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.

What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age!

Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.

What birds like to write?
Penguins!

“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”

Time to celery-brate.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

Can I also deposit my number into your phone?

How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!

When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.

You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.

How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!

I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.

Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!

What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.

During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.

"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"

- Dave Attell

“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown

The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.

You can toast my marshmallows anytime.

You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked

The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.

I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.

What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee

Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.

“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26

Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.

[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.

“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!

Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.

"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown

A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”