How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.

I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.

Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!

The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Tex.

Tex who?

Tex two to tango.

"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!

"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."

What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.

Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.

Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..

How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.

Know what? I dig you, really!

My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.

“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf

Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.

If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.

Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.

Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.

What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.

What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.

“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!

"Do you play the trom-bone?"

Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.

What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!

What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.

What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.

I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.

How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.

Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”

I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.

There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.

Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"

My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.

Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.

Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.

Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.